I am my brother's keeper

As a kid he loved the stars. He loved the open distance between him and anything far away from where he was. First sunset he'd run upstairs to his $5.00 telescope his mom had bought him to curb his curiosity. With his head stuck in the sky.

As a kid people saw him as a misfit and by the way he was you could tell he liked it that way. Stuck inside while everything is out? No way, he had to be in the middle of it all. Everything is up for grabs, if you take it it's yours he would say, didn't matter the consequences.

I guess you can say we're alike, not alike. It wasn't sided or mixed up, it just was. He was a little cooler than I though. I was always dreaming and he was making it happen. I stayed in the books, he stayed in the streets. I wanted one girl, he wanted them all. Although we were not alike, in some way we always knew each other. You know that uneasy feeling you get when you're about to get in trouble? Or the feeling you get when you're about to get on this tall ass rollercoaster? Well imagine getting these feelings everyday at about 1,000 times greater + feelings and emotions. That's how intense it was. I knew when he was in trouble and I knew when he felt down . It was just an instinct. I can't begin to explain it at all, it is what it is. I still get these feelings because of where we both are in our lives right now and I guess that's the reason for this post. I've got this uneasy feeling and I can't shake it for nothing.

Not to get too personal on a internet "blog" but my brothers path in life hasn't been it's greatest. I love dude, with everything I am but I can't say his decisions has been the best for him...

I remember the first time we threw hands at each other. It was over my Joe DiMaggio baseball card, now any Yanks fans knows the name very well. Yes, I was a baseball nut growing up. Just about the only thing me and my father could enjoy together. My father was the biggest Yankee fan ever and I fell in line right behind him (just to give you an ounce of how important that card was to me) So my brother was being a dick and hid my cards all around the house. I had tons of them but I was searching for the most important card I had, along with Mick and Phil Rizzuto (other legends) and that was Joe. He had it in his pocket out the plastic sleve and I was going nuts. Then one thing lead to another and it gets torn in half. So I drove right into his mid section and there we were fighting in the middle of the dining room, my poor older sister trying her best to split us apart lol I remember hating this guy so much man. With that silly ass grin he had on his face when the card ripped. But the next day he bought me a Johnny Mize card, so I didn't hate him forever. I mean, it wasn't Joe, but just him feeling bad enough to try to make up for the card torn.. has never phased out of my mind all these years.

I guess that's all I have to say, for now.

Another Again

It is approximately 3:31AM right now and of course, you've guessed it, I can't drift off to sleep for nothing. I took a power nap this evening, around 6 or something like that, that is why I am still up. Once again left to face the late night/early morning alone with myself.

Yesterday wasn't so bad. I got up around 6:45AM or so? Took a shower, blah blah blah, got some breakfast at Cafe La Kitchen (my kitchen) and had a big ass bowl of smackems and orange juice. Grabbed a gallon of water and headed to school. I had 2 classes today so it was pretty short. DSP103 (Design for Print II) from 8AM-10AM, a break and ENV201(Environmental Sci) from 12PM-2PM. These are Tuesday and Thurs classes only and I pretty much like the whole set up there too except this boring ENV201 class. Yes, it's pretty boring. I snooze often, not too often though! Don't want you guys thinking I'm a slacker or something. But seriously, why am I taking this class??? The teacher in this class has this crazy lisp-speech impediment thing going on too. Maybe it's my dirty mind? But when he says Best, it sounds like Breast, like for example! "Do your Breast"........... I'm like whose breast?!? I admit, it was kind of funny a week ago but now it's all sorts of confusing. Man I wish my seat was closer to the front, ohh yeah! We have high schooled assigned seats, so this A hole can remember our names. Heh.

So what else is going on with me? Honestly, nothing major as always. I like to keep my life as simple as possible now a days. Complexity just isn't my thing anymore. I feel like a ton has been lifted off my soul though. No one had caused it but myself so I guess it took myself to get it off. I mean, I'm human and I fuck up most of the time but I learn from my mistakes and in time move on. I don't hate Elizabeth, I never will (for those who've expected me to/or myself for that matter) and I guess that's because I understand her method a little bit now. I now know her intentions was the truest at times. Although she has a pretty weird way of making them clear enough for me to understand, you'd have to be involved with her for a long time to understand how her mind works. I'm not sure if I even get her completely still but for the most part, I understand. You're not Sammy, you are you and that's all that mattered really. I was a bum for saying that that the way I did, a very foul move on my part and I'm sorry BUT I wasn't looking for a woman to baby me and make me feel good like you've mentioned. I wanted someone who would inspired me to be me and be fine with me, no matter what. I thought you were that person, and I hate to say this shit or even hear you say it, but it goes back to that movie 500 DOS, you were my Summer, now she is my Autumn? =.... I guess you were right, you were just another chapter in my book. You sort of led me back to the one person I've regretted losing from the beginning though and I am happy now, she makes me very happy. I hope that makes you happy for me?

I don't know where our future falls but where ever it is I hope it ends with her. And THAT is me not caring anymore, my life, my decisions and that is what I want. She is what I want.

I hope this made some kind of sense.

It's 4AM now and I have work in 5 hours. Shit.