"Don't make me any promises.."

Never.

I'm still having these sleepless nights, heavy. Even when I think I just might fall asleep, it just doesn't happen. I believe my mind is immensely occupied with multiple things now, school, work and other current endeavours. So maybe I should start utilizing this blog more to free up some of the space in my mind? I just hope when school begins again that the sleep lost will ease off a bit. I don't want to fall so out of it that I can't keep up with my life, work or school.

For the most part, I'm feeling a little lighter and upbeat than normal. I feel I've reached that point in my life where I can regret nothing and just start looking forward to something, anything or any one for that matter. I don't know what God has planned for me but whatever it is I'm going to savour it, take it in slow and keep it. I can't help what goes on next and that (sort of) scares me because I want to take everything in so quickly but I know I should slow it down a bit. I'm older now and I have the time and patience to do whatever deems necessary now, well I mean.. I've always had a certain degree of patience. But this is so important to me now. I will not do anything careless to hurt or misplace anything I am trying to gain back right now. I can't even make mistakes inadvertently now. That's how serious this is for me.

I just think it's crazy, how life plays out. I never once considered my world to be flipped on it's axis. I guess to sum my feelings up now, I just want something that is genuine. I mean, I don't know what forever is, but if forever is happiness, I'll take the necessary steps in preserving that for the later date. But whatever I do from now on, no bullshit and no games. I'm real good without that immature shit in my life.

Heh, I was going to add on to this but I think this will do.

......

It is crazy how we cope with the death of loved ones. On the day it happens it is tragic, it consumes your thoughts with painful memories that will never be again and then something weird happens, we move on. Some of us forget, while others hold on pushing everything else away. I don't think I did neither actually. Maybe at first I was in pain but that's normal right? Man, my mother raised one hell of a son. A guy with a heart as big as he could hold it and so stubborn that he could never let go or give up. I guess I'm the few who understands that they're truely never gone. They are physically but somehow I feel her more than ever around me. It could be a sunny summer day, the rain at my window, the smell of something sweet or my aunts laughter that reminds me of her. I like to think that all of these things are her little reminders to me that she is here with me and that she is always going to be here with me.

This year I don't want to make a new years resolution. But I do hope for slight adjustments, personal ones. I want to be closer to God. I know that seems a bit vague to some but when it comes to faith, there's pretty much no explaination needed. And also I want to understand the next person. I want to get to know a person for a person not for how they present themselves to the world, I want to understand them without them even saying a word.

Well, I enjoyed this past holiday and I am very thankful to have had the people I did have during the rough nights and bitter days. Family can drive you crazy but they are a blessing to have. That goes for some friends too.

I guess I'll leave the vacation experience for another blog post. Just thought I kill sometime since there's an hour to go til boarding. School starts on the 19th for me as well so I should get back to the habit of things back home.